somewhere in between acting boundless & following the rules.
i dream a lot.
they say we have about 50-something dreams a night, or something like that. i remember about 3, 4 if i am lucky.
but thats just at night.
i often feel like i live in another world, or dream, in my mind. the conversations i wish i was actually having, the things i wish were happening, the things i wish could happen in the future.
i feel a lot like laced silk ribbon. if i had to describe myself that way, i imagine that object would make sense. i am soft and sleek, but my edges are ridged on either side. i would want to be considered beautiful to look at, and to touch. i want to be used to give things a new way to be seen, to be used to create beautiful things, and to be wrapped around other things, or figures for bodies.
tonight i cant sleep. i feel pretty “off” but thats because my mind feels very on.
you know, its really, REALLY hard to figure out how to make all the right calls. as if you are both the athlete and the referee.
you know what i enjoy? people that make me feel like i am enjoyed. people that have an essence about them. my sister has that about her. my closest friends have that about them. i called kate tonight and escaped into a world that i can go in, when i talk to her. she is so good for me.
tonight is awkward. i feel both confident in myself and insecure. i feel like a very dumb, or rather an ill-purposed solider.
why does life cost so much? emotionally, experientially, financially, mentally.
i like that its so physical.
i like the details.
i like the lights at night. i like the rain through windows. i like long pauses that people take to laugh. i like getting food off the panera call stand. i like opening the door as i walk into my friends apartment. i like making eggs and peppers in the morning. i like how some people can make you feel, even after you havent talked to them in months. i like memories, a lot. i like filters on pictures.
i dont know.
i’ve listened to the same song 8 times while typing this. i have to go to work tomorrow. i am starting to remember our patients names and it almost makes me feel like they are my friends.
there is so much to do in the next week or two. oh my.
goodnight, i guess.
"Can I say something to young ladies here? I’m trying to pick my words carefully here. Your husband, whoever he is, single ladies, will have an unbelievable amount of influence over your sons and daughters in regards to spiritual things. If you want your children to love Jesus deeply, hold out for a man that is Godly. And let me tell you this: I am well aware that Godly men are rare. Lots of neat Christian boys, not a lot of Godly men. And we’re working our tails off for you to try to develop some into that. But don’t settle, because it’s better that you be lonely now than you be married and lonely later. Are you tracking with me? It is better that you be lonely now than for you to get married to a man that will teach your kids everything but the way of Jesus."
"Three different times I begged the Lord to take it away. Each time he said, “My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.” So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me."