i am sitting down to take time out of the crazy time-whirling days that keep passing, to write to you.
or maybe, to write for me.
hi, again. i have to collect my thoughts but i’ll start typing before i decide to stop.
i’ve been thinking a lot about what it means to actually love the world like Jesus said to. what would it mean to unboundingly love on people of all kind, of all demo(&)psychographics? and i mean love. love them like you love your boyfriend, or your best friend, or heck- even just your dog. this thought was planted and sprouted through the community of a new church i’ve started visiting, and a kick ass woman that works there (the Lords blessed me with a woman who is excited about investing time together and mentoring/counseling together- HOLLUH). but back on track here- what does that look like? i’m not going to get into it, but i’ve been challenged in my heart the past week. i have always been so excited to be around strangers and smile brighter, leave a generous tip, hold the door open a few seconds longer, be intentionally aware of who is around me. it’s more than being a kind person. and i want to know it, darn it.
also, i have been learning about forgiveness, through that lovely phrase “love your enemies” i had a conversation that went something like this..
"well, thats just the thing! i’ve been thinking, who really are our enemies? because i can forgive my friends or people who do ‘whatever’ things… but the people that are enemies of MY HEART are the closest to me. i wouldnt consider the enemies of my heart, actual enemies in my mind."
"exactly. the people closest to you have the most access to your heart. and often, you’re right, those are the enemies on our heart we have to forgive."
well duh, right? simple phrase we hear all the time. or, for most of you- you probably read here on this website all the time. BUT, have you thought about that? i’m just learning about forgiveness. there is one person in my heart that i refused to forgive anymore, but thought i would still love them. i am horribly, horribly wrong about that. i was tired of confessing my forgiveness to the Lord but my heart still bleeding and aching. so i figured i would stop and wait until my Abba decided it was time for some fixing. i can not choose to not forgive, because i need my Love to forgive me. but, what i can do is confess, like i was doing, and pray “help my heart, Lord.” and you know what? i can pray that over and over and over again, and then over and over and over again some more. because it takes time.
i also have been learning about my relationships with Abba Father, my kind Jesus, and my sweet Holy Spirit. I have been learning how we often translate feelings and “walls” and things of people in our “human” world/heart/mind into our spiritual and soul connections with our Trinity relationships. the knowledge has been so helpful, because i am able to start each day with them, in correct expectation and thought. my relationships are more reliable, consistent and sweeter. i am able to find intimacy with my Kingly Dad, whether i am feeling accepted by my real dad or my boyfriend or just the world in general. which is pretty darn cool. i am excited that i can have such a security no matter who or what happens.
apart from all of that, i am really taking on the next step in my “big girl world.” i both laugh and cringe at myself for calling it that, because i dont think i live like a child at all- but i just like referring to growing up as that. i am like… 3 steps closer to taking on full independence of myself. it is difficult when the weight of your own personal world in on your shoulders. which, i think is what that quote “weight of the world” has always meant. that big, huge, contradictory world out there sure is heavy, but you dont carry it. what you do carry is YOUR world, and you carry it in the creases of your elbows, behind your knees, the back of your neck and the ridge above your eyebrows. that’s heavy.
but hey, dont forget to do your cardio, sit in the sun, ice your caffeine, learn about health, and say ‘no’ sometimes… you need you to survive. trust me.
here i go. having to pee, with aching shoulders, staring at traffic and a watered-down iced americano and needing to keep myself on schedule. if i could write to myself i think i would tell her i miss her a little bit, yet i am proud to have time with her in the shower and when she decides to write, and that weird time i’m conscious, but falling asleep or waking up and too tired to open my eyes.
i’ll write soon about what is ACTUALLY happening in my outer. everything is still in transition and blah blah blah. plane tickets, school applications, job applications and contracts are waiting for me to sign my “autograph” on them - literally, and i just dont know what to do. so, when i decide, know that i will come tell you every detail of it.